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Sinfest is the Best

I only post this because it's true.

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Holes

thefuture
(Archeological Institute, 3003 AD)

"There must be some mistake. A lot can happen to artifacts in a thousand years."

"No mistake. All our ancestors wanted to do was...put it in a hole."

"A hole?"

"Any hole, if you believe some first hand accounts. All day long if they could get away with it."

"Are you talking about holes we no longer have?"

"Fortunately, yes. Except, of course, our one remaining—"

"You're NOT saying!"

"Yes. Sometimes that one. Some even preferred it."

"I've heard enough. What a relief we've evolved."

"There's more."

"You're not seriously going to present these findings, are you?"

"What choice do I have? Besides, this brings up other questions."

"Such as?"

"Did their holes enjoy this activity?"

"Ew."

"Yet males who used artificial holes were considered...odd."

"Dirty primitives. Have you any theories as to why?"

"A cultural hegemony by females to preserve their hole scarcity."

"Like our psionic pleasure union?"

"Exactly."

"As a colleague, I must advise you to consider your professional reputation."

"By doing what?"

"I'd present this 'hole' matter as referring to something more mundane..."

"Uncontroversial?"

"Boring, even. You know, like sex."

"Brilliant."

"Instead of—what's it called, again?"

"Golf."

"Even the NAME is absurd."

[Inspired by the short story MEAT]

If Only We Had A Fourth Estate

Ever wonder how a foreign, objective newspaper might write about our country? Wonder no further.

newspaper

A Poem for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev


Dzhokhar, Dzhokhar
You ran over your brother with your car
After the killin', you were just chillin'
While the media had you tea partying.

College pals say you were swell,
before you blew them all to Hell,
Carnage on the web must have made you high
While Salon wished you were a Christian, white guy.

You could be free to this day,
Collecting welfare and smoking a jay
But you got the munchies, robbed the store for crunchies
And blew that poor cop away.

So tell me, Tsarnaev:

Does killing pop your boner?
you piece of shit stoner
I hope your shot-through throat whistles a tune.

There's no justification for your asshole self
(as your bloody victims looked, you tweeted 'they're cooked')
Not in Islam, or bedlam,
Your heart upon a shelf,
In prison for life, and you'll never get out
Maybe your poor father should have pulled out.


Dedicated to Amanda Palmer

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Fuck off, Terrorists


If the purpose of the Boston bombing is to terrorize, than the only way I (as a citizen) can fight back is to run the marathon next year like it's the most normal thing in the world.

Right?

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Free Today

Imagine a high school whose student body is split in two: one dedicated to the good of the group, and the other, the individual. What would happen?

You'll find out at the end of TEN RALLIES.


(Click here for your free ecopy)

My libertarian-themed (and much hated-upon) young adult ebook is free today on Amazon. Like it? Let me know, and I'll send you an autographed dead-tree book—anywhere on the planet.

From the back copy:

"Teacher doesn't like you reading this, bro. Don't blame me if they knock this book right out of your hand.
Got that straight?
Good.
Now, let's begin."

You wake up one morning and find your supposed-to-be easy senior year of high school is going to be demolished by something called CoreAmerica. Camera crews are everywhere. It's taking over your school, and they're calling it an experiment.

And in the middle of it all is this girl, Everett — man—she has it all. Never in a million years did you ever think you might get her. And she's smiling at you now, boy.

Problem is—to keep her—you'll have to give yourself up.

Hell of a senior year.

Seventeen year old Reed wasn't looking to change the world, just graduate high school. But first he has to choose between who he loves and what is right.

Waking Pasquin

Before you do anything hasty, like waking me the fuck up, I've prepared this handy flowchart for you potential bedmates.

WakingMeUp
Any questions?

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Fisking the New Yorker



The Case for a Higher Minimum Wage
Posted by John Cassidy (The New Yorker)


Let's fisk this sophomore effort, shall we?

"Some economists say minimum-wage laws are harmful; others say they aren’t."

Ah, the old 'some do, some don't' dodge. Some say the Holocaust happened, some don't. Who's to know?

Sixty percent of economists believe the minimum wage should be abolished or remain the same. That's the answer to the real question.

"We also know that the U.S. minimum wage is low compared to its counterparts in other advanced countries. In France and Ireland, for example, the minimum remuneration level is more than eleven dollars an hour."

Those advanced countries with the super high unemployment, you mean? This proves my point for me. Is Cassidy new to the New Yorker, or are they letting just anyone post to their blogs?

"If you look across the states, some of which set a minimum wage above the federal minimum, you can’t see any sign of higher rates leading to higher unemployment."

No sign at all, except California, Rhode Island, Illinois, Washington...all having higher than average unemployment and high minimum wages. Then I got bored of researching.

I bet Cassidy never gets bored.

"In Nevada, where the national minimum of $7.25 an hour applies, the jobless rate is 10.2 per cent. In Vermont, where the minimum wage is $8.60 an hour, the unemployment rate is 5.1 per cent."

That's not right—Nevada's minimum wage is $8.25. I can see how Cassidy could over look that detail; it was only raised two years ago. Must be no Internet at the New Yorker, huh? But for those of us with a little Google-fu: The only workers in Nevada who are allowed to be paid $7.25 are the ones who get subsidized health plans. Left pocket, right pocket. Either way, their total compensation for minimum wage workers is high, and that's why there is high unemployment.

The tiny, boutique state of Maple Syrup is a direct analogue of Narnia only.

"Even in academic studies that do show higher minimum wages having a negative impact on employment, the effect is generally a small one, and it is usually confined to teen-agers and unskilled workers."

After all, who gives a shit about poor black kids? At over 22% unemployment, what's a few more gangbangers?

"teen-agers" And what's up with the fetish for hyphens (-)? Is there a quo-ta he has to ful-fill?

"There is no truth in the suggestion that most of the beneficiaries would be high-school kids working at McDonalds on weekends for beer money."

Is that not the prettiest straw man you ever did see? LOL. Beer money. When we all know it is drug money.

There's also no truth that most of the beneficiaries would be bloggers for the New Yorker.

"Raising the minimum wage pushes the burden onto corporations and consumers, and it could also have some broader ramifications."

Like higher unemployment. Duh.

"According to the E.P.I.’s tabulations, 56.1 per cent of those [given a raise] would be non-Hispanic white workers..."

John Cassidy thinks America needs more white privilege.

"When workers are paid more, they tend to work harder, and quit less readily."

When water is wet, it's damp, and that leads to moisture. What the fuckity fuck does this matter?

Mandating a higher minimum wage is a penalty on employers at the point of a gun. That is undeniable. If Mr. Cassidy thinks this is still a good idea, how about I sell his home and give the proceeds to random strangers? After all, they will then be paid more, work harder, and squat less readily.

Buck up, John. Pitching a tent isn't so bad. After all, some people say bathing in the river is hazardous, some don't.

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Valentine's Day



I share Jack's sentiment.

Give me love that wrings and shreds me; leaves me vacant and starring, at what the Hell went wrong. If I can count on love, and keep it with my bank receipts, it isn't love. It's habit.

Love is a growing thing that constantly needs to be feed and fought with; tangled and wrapped around. Messy as afterbirth.

You can lose love in a bar, and find it in a temple, but if love doesn't hurt, you aren't in it.



Posted, just to let you know that my feelings haven't changed.